found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I touched a dick in church today
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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