i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
