tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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