your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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