He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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