I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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