he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
