At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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