You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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