i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
