she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
