My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
