yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
