Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
