Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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