He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
