Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
