I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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