My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
