she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
one might say we're banned from that church
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
