My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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