I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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