Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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