you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
