Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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