my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
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Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
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There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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