I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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