I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Houston, we have a blender
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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