chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
