I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
