DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
