She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
