i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
