he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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