We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
