I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
