Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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