Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
