nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
