I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
