My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
