it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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