I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We were destined to go to rehab together
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
