I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
