shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
