I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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