I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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