shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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