tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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