Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
