Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
