Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
