I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
