if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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