Jerry, you need to find god
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Randomize
