Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.