After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
