please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
