Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
