i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
